


Balancing Act

by NothingImpossibleOnlyImprobable



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Pain, Speculation, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 01:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6309697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NothingImpossibleOnlyImprobable/pseuds/NothingImpossibleOnlyImprobable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm in pain, after episode 5x14 "Devil's Due", real pain.  I know everything’s going to be okay, eventually, but I just needed to see it.  That episode was heartwrenching, and I’m not okay.  The promo just kind of sealed the coffin.  So here’s me trying to help out the fandom.  (don’t say I didn’t do anything nice for people)  Unedited, I just really needed to get this out as soon as possible so I can start healing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Not my characters, not my world. Just my imagination borrowing them for a bit.

His brother’s behind him, his ending, his rest.  He’s been doing this for so long, fighting, bartering, bargaining, _living_.  It’s been so long, and he’s so tired.

His brother’s behind him, and his way out lies with him.

But she’s in front of him, and she’s more than just an ending.  She’s happiness, she’s love, she’s _life_.  The life he’s been fighting to have all those years, those centuries.  The life he’s always dreamed of, with the woman he still can’t believe is standing here, in the bloody Underworld to save him, to bring him back to her.

He’s navigated all the seas in the realms, travelled by stars, by currents, and by magical means.  He’s memorised star charts for places sailors had never heard of before.  He outran a damn _curse_ to save her.

He’s never been so lost.

“Tell me love,” he begs, his voice breaking.  “Why bring me back if I should just move on?”   _Give me a reason_ , he desperately screams inside, _give me something, tell me what to do!_

She says nothing, and he thinks that hurts worse than all the yelling he had expected.  She says nothing, a tear slipping down her cheek.  She says nothing, and his non-existent heart breaks further with each passing second.

She says nothing, and she walks past him, away.  He doesn’t move.

 _“I told you to let me go,”_ he hears himself say, not so long ago.  “ _You shouldn’t be here.”_

 _“I never listen,”_ she smiles.  She _smiles_ , and he’s still not sure.

“Brother,” he hears, a heavy hand on his shoulder.  “We should go.”

“I can’t… I don’t know if I can leave her,” he whispers, unable to turn around, unable to face the man he’s missed for over a century.

“If she’s holding you back from your happiness, then what kind of love is she?”

 _This is wrong_ , he thinks, his mind racing, whirring, speeding too fast for him to catch up.   _This is WRONG_.  But he turns, he faces the man who raised him, the brother who loves him, the man who died in his arms all those years ago.

“Aye,” he manages.  “Let’s go.”

Halway there, he freezes.  “Wait,” he says, unable to take another step.  “I have to go back for her.”

His brother’s arm is around his shoulders, bones so recently healed that they still feel as though they should ache.  “Come on, Killian, we’re almost there.  You can finally relax for the first time in hundreds of years.  And I’ll be there with you.”

He shakes his head.  “I asked her to let me go, and she did.”

Liam arches an eyebrow, so familiar a motion but also somehow so alien.  “So what?”

“She let me go,” he whispers.  “She’s letting me choose.”

His brother sighs.  “Killian, soon you won’t _have_  to choose.  Soon you can just be happy, in a better place, without all this pain and doubt and fear.  Don’t you want that?”

He swallows hard.  “Aye, more than anything,” he murmurs.  But he still doesn’t move.  “But not more than I want her.”  He meets his brother’s gaze, and is surprised with the disappointment he sees there.  “I told her I’d never stop fighting for us, not when she needed me most.  But I did, I gave up.  And now I’m doing it again.”

Liam leans in close, his eyes inches from his.  “You’re not giving up, little brother.”  His voice is hard and firm, unwavering, unrelenting, almost… uncaring.  “You’re doing something for yourself, you’re ending your own pain.  She would want you to be happy.”

“That’s the thing,” he answered, holding his brother’s gaze.  “If there’s anything my life taught me, it’s that absence of pain isn’t happiness, it’s emptiness.  Happiness is finally making her smile after she’s been cross with me, happiness is getting the right kind of side dish to go with her grilled cheese, happiness is being there for each other when we need it most.  Not running away because of what I _deserve.”_

He all but shoves his brother’s arms off of him and takes a step back.  “I love you, Liam.  I’ll always love you, and I hope you can still move on without me.  I want you to be happy, I truly do, but I want her to be happy as well, more than I want anything for myself, and I can’t do anything about it from the other side.”

“I love you, brother,” he says, not bothering to hide the tears in his eyes at Liam’s hurt expression.  “But I can’t follow you, not this time.

“I’m going back.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm ok now. I have really amazing friends. Thank you, all of you. I really mean it.

“She doesn’t want to be with you, Kilian.”

They stand at the edge of the precipice, the flames below taunting in warning, the path just starting to open above, to light, to comfort, to something like home.   _ Home. _  Something they’ve never had, something he’s never found.

_ Home isn’t a place,  _ he thinks, remembering green eyes and wild blonde hair and declarations of love so hard to earn, but so worth the wait.   _ Home is with the people you love _ . 

“She doesn’t know what she wants, Liam,” he replies softly.  “She wants me to be happy, it’s all she’s wanted for a long time.  She wants me to be hers.  But she knows she can’t push me.”

Liam shakes his head.  “She wants you, but she walks away from you?  She tells you you’ll go your separate ways when you get back to that town you’re living in now?  How is that happiness, for either of you?”

“I begged her to let me go, twice, and she refused,” he says, smiling at the memory of his Swan, who refuses to let him go without a fight.  “It has to be my choice, and she’s given that to me.”

His brother sighs and shakes his head again, but the path is lengthening, reaching toward the doorway of light above even as he says, “And if you’re wrong?”

He shrugs and looks away, unable to meet Liam’s eyes, certain of the sadness, the disappointment he’ll see in them.  “Then I’ll have to fight for her, for our happy ending.  I’m quite used to that, brother.”

To his surprise, he hears a laugh.  He looks, and Liam’s smiling, his grin wide, his arms reaching for him.  He stands, unsure what’s happening, as Liam wraps him in a tight embrace.

“And there you have it, little brother,” he hears whispered in his ear, his brother warm, solid,  _ real _ , against him, something he never thought he’d have again.

Liam pulls back, his hands on Killian’s shoulders.  “I don’t understand,” he says, unsure of what to make of his brother’s sudden change of mood.  “You’re not upset that I won’t come?”

Liam shakes his head, this time with a smile.  “My job here is done.  I was meant to help you find your happiness.  I was so certain it was with me, in a better place, one without the pain you’ve spent so long living with.”  He shrugs, his grin never wavering.  “I was wrong.”

He regards Killian for a moment, light blue eyes sweeping over him.  “She’s a lucky girl, to have you so intent on making her happiness a priority,” he says softly.  “And I suppose anyone willing to come down here and rescue your thick skull deserves to have you after all.”

Killian smiles, his hand coming up to scratch behind his ear.  “Thank you, Liam.”

His brother pats his arm roughly.  “Don’t mention it, brother.  Now go, live your life.  Find happiness.”

Killian reaches out and grabs his brother in his arms, pressing his face into the strong shoulders that supported him for so long.  “I’ll miss you, brother.”  Liam tightens his grip as well, and for a moment, they just stand there, holding each other for the last time, for now.

“I’ll wait for you, Killian,” Liam murmurs in his hair.  “I’ll wait for you to make good on your promise to follow me.  But not for a good while, okay?”  He can’t answer, so he just nods, his nose bumping his brother’s neck.

They separate, and Liam starts to walk away, toward the light, toward the resting place he so deserved.  Halfway there, he turns, his smile bright.  “Give Emma a message for me, yeah?”  Killian nods, not trusting himself to speak.  

“Tell her I said to keep the ring.”


End file.
